


Kalopsia

by RuinousScribe



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School / College, Angst, Fluff, Kim Minseok | Xiumin/Lu Han are Best Friends, M/M, mentioned xiuchen, past Hunhan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-19 22:15:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15519774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RuinousScribe/pseuds/RuinousScribe
Summary: the delusion of things being more beautiful than they really are





	Kalopsia

**Author's Note:**

> this story was originally supposed to be inspired by Exo's song Universe, however, I think Day6's You Were Beautiful (+Congratulations) and Highlight's It's Still Beautiful fit it more  
> in other words, i've had the idea since Exo released Universe but couldn't act on it until watching Classical Musicians React to Day6's You Were Beautiful HAHAHAHA
> 
> PLAGIARISM IS A CRIME

  
**Kalopsia**  
[ **ka-LOP-se-a** ]  _noun_

 **Origin** : Greek

_the delusion of things being more beautiful than they really are_

**Pairing: Oh Sehun | Lu Han**

**ㅡ**

Luhan lived in the moment; he skydived for the thrill of it, he slept with just setting one alarm for the morning, he went on unplanned road trips for no reason at all. Luhan savored the present and worried not for the future.

Maybe it was his upbringing that caused the mindset he lived to the day. Maybe his parents were to blame. Maybe the way they cared little for their only son triggered the drastic results in the boy's outlook on life. Maybe they'd scarred him too much for him to possibly be able to function the way they had.

The boy's parents were pretty well-off by the time of his birth and for his whole stay in his parents' home, he had been given everything a growing boy could possibly need. He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, but he would've gladly give up his sheltered childhood for something a little bit more adventurous or even more loving, if anyone dared ask – which, no one did. He longed for the emotional needs of a child and cared little for the materialistic things his parents had provided.

He had learnt to think the way he did at the tender age of thirteen when he began to really take notice of the way he was different from most children his age. Unlike them, he was more independent, and he didn't think of that as a bad thing at all. In fact, he thought he was quite fortunate to be able to formulate his own opinions of things despite his limited chances to speak upon said opinions.

One of the greatest differences he had observed was the fact that people tended to worry too much. That is, they put such grave importance on consequences or reactions that it compromised the promise of an enjoyable present. People were too easily attached and were, consequently, too easily hurt because of their attachments (maybe even  _by_  such attachments).

Unlike them, he had learnt early on to never expect too much of anyone and to never let himself worry about tomorrow because that might just spiral out of control. Life is far too short to be spent in constant fear.

As a result of his unique approach, Luhan's grief was short-lived and rare. He shed tears and cried out in pain because, after all, he was still human. However, it was evident how he was able to easily overcome whatever emotional challenges he was faced with swiftly and with a touch hint of ease.

He never lingered too long on something. This, however, was one of his flaws, or at least in Minseok's opinion it is. The older found it unsettling how the younger boy could be so careless about his life and about those attached to him.

Minseok had met Luhan when Yixing, a mutual friend, introduced him to Minseok as someone who was interested in the 'Roommate Wanted' sign that Minseok had posted in the dormitory lobby. The moment he had been deemed old enough to be able to live away from his parents, the doe-eyed male took the chance and started hunting for any available living quarters. The two had a somewhat rocky start, not an unusual situation for Luhan due to the latter's somewhat strange tendencies, but eventually warmed up to each other.

Minseok silently watched as Luhan went through his fair share of girlfriends during their high school days, and finally decided to speak up about his concerns before they'd reached college. He was used to Luhan's somewhat detached behavior, but the way he could easily –  _too easily_  – move onor whatever was off putting. It wasn't like his best friend was a heartbreaker, but his exes definitely never took his acceptance too well.

He knew the boy was quite a romantic as he often helped the younger in planning dates and whatnot, and he also knew that he sincerely cared about those he'd been a relationship with (a steady total of three) but feared that the ones directly involved did not. On all three occasions, Luhan took refuge in his best friend and had seemed genuinely confused about the whole situation. But, that was it. A maximum of twenty-four hours was all the boy needed before he was off on both feet, as if a storm had never passed in his heart. And that worried Minseok. He was afraid that Luhan would never find that one person who he would never want to lose. That one person who he was thought could mend all the tiny, almost invisible, cracks in Luhan's heart.

Luhan was made aware of Minseok's concern on their last year of high school and he had carefully avoided the start of any other relationship during that time, keeping Minseok's words in mind. The latter had seemed truthful in his fears, and Luhan was kind enough to do some reflecting to give his best friend some peace of mind. He had gone a whole year trying to work on his 'people' skills and had decided that he'd progressed enough to mingle again. Luhan may come off as reserved and maybe even prudish to some, but he silently, maybe even unconsciously, longed for the love and care of a partner.

However, quite some time had passed since then and now, Luhan wasn't all too sure if he could ever have that. More or less, five years had passed since Minseok's confrontation, college had come and gone, and now Luhan was taking his Master's degree in a prestigious university in America. He had left Seoul without changing his ways and without finding the one to patch him together – or at least, he thought so.

It was one of those rare nights when he didn't need to cram any studying for lessons or tests as the Christmas holiday was making its presence known in the academic calendar. He had two and a half weeks off for Christmas vacation and the re-construction of an old building and Luhan was grateful to be able to be home for the holidays. This gave him time for himself to simply vegetate.

His late-night episodes for schoolwork had made him pretty much nocturnal and the boy had given up on sleep by half past ten. Now, he was sitting in his couch wrapped up in thick blankets with his laptop on his lap and a steaming mug of coffee (because why not) by his side. He was going through random posts on social media before deciding to check his email to make sure he was really free of schoolwork. With time in his hands, the boy diligently scrolled through his inbox before a certain sender caught his eye.

 **Sehun Oh | Luhan** – Sarang.mp4

Luhan's breath caught in his throat and he felt dizzy. When was the last time he'd seen that name? It had been years.

When Oh Sehun made his way into Luhan's life (and everyone else's as a matter of fact) during their second year of University, Minseok thought that Luhan was finally getting there. Luhan wasn't sure where 'there' was, but if it was anything like where Minseok was with Jongdae, maybe it wasn't a bad place. Maybe, he thought, it was even a great place.

Oh Sehun was a freshman at the University and had occupied the room directly across Luhan and Minseok, rooming with his cousin, Kim Junmyeon. Junmyeon was a friend of Minseok's and the former had brought along his cousin to one of Jongdae's jamming sessions to which Luhan was a constant presence – their first encounter.

The quiet blond boy with a rather stoic expression intrigued Luhan and he couldn't help himself from approaching the younger. Sehun was sat in a lone beanbag in front of the abandoned coffee table seeing as everyone decided that the floor coupled with mismatched throw pillows was a better venue. Luhan simply perched himself on the end of the table, leaning towards Sehun to see the boy better under the dim lighting of the various lamps and fairylights that adorned the room. Jongdae explained that it was better for the aesthetics and Luhan briefly wondered about the aspiring singer's electric bill before deciding that it wasn't his problem.

"Hi," Luhan chirped. Sehun fixed his icy gaze on Luhan and blinked. Luhan grinned and offered a hand, "I'm Luhan, I live across from you."

"Ah, hello." Was Sehun's short response as he took a hand out of his pocket to shake Luhan's outstretched one. "My name is Sehun."

"I know," Luhan winked before laughing at Sehun's alarmed expression. "Relax, I asked Junmyeon."

"You don't talk much, do you?" Luhan asked hypothetically as he dragged over another beanbag to sit next to Sehun. Sehun looked at the older boy skeptically not knowing whether to nod or shake his head. In the end, he settled on a shrug.

"That's okay, I bet I can do enough talking for the both of us," Luhan grinned and at the sight of his warm smile, the younger boy felt himself mirror the action. Later that night, a slightly tipsy Junmyeon had to practically drag Sehun out the door and away from Luhan. However, being the lightweight he was, Junmyeon's body decided that collapsing in an intoxicated heap on the floor was the ultimatum for the evening. Sehun, behind the excuse of being concerned for his cousin and roommate, decided to stay the night at Jongdae's which was where Luhan and Minseok would also be spending the night. Needless to say, Luhan and Sehun spent the night talking about anything and everything (with the occasional concerned glance at the knocked-out boy by their side).

It didn't come as a shock to anyone when the two had decided to date later that year. Minseok was in tears when Luhan told him the news and he explained to a flustered Luhan that it was all in happiness and that he wished them the best. Minseok was sure that Sehun was the person he prayed Luhan would one day meet. He was  _sure_  that Sehun would love Luhan like he deserved to be loved and that he wouldn't ever want to hurt the other. He felt so secure in that thought that he forgot to think about the other party involved.

Luhan snapped out of his daze and set his laptop next to him before reaching for his phone. Calling Minseok's number on speed-dial, he anxiously waited for the other to answer. He checked the time as his heart pounded even harder,  _Is he asleep already?_

" _Hello?_ " Minseok's very much alert voice greeted and Luhan sighed in relief.

"Minseok, hey, it's me– "

" _I know it's you, Lu, but why the hell are you calling me at,"_ there was a pause as Minseok seemed to check the time. " _Eleven in the evening?_ "

"Sehun. Oh Sehun." Was all Luhan said and he could hear rustling through the receiver which was probably Minseok sitting up. A groggy  _Who is it, Minnie?_  Could be hear before Minseok's muffled assurance was heard.

" _Sehun?_ " He was back half a minute later, now talking more clearly. " _What do you mean?"_

"I got an email from him. I was checking my inbox and it was sent," he leaned over to peer at the time stamp in his mail. "Two days ago. I haven't opened it yet, but there's an attachment that's named 'Sarang' and it's a video or something. What the hell does this mean?"

" _Okay, first of all, calm down_." Was Minseok's reply after Luhan's panicked rant and the latter obediently took deep breaths of air as he listened to the low hum of what seemed to be Minseok's coffee machine on the other line. " _Are there no previous emails or notes on that one to explain anything?_ "

"Nada."

" _Well, have you kept in touch with him or heard of him recently?_ "

"No, we kind of lost touch after we graduated." Luhan sighed, leaning back and draping an arm over his eyes. "This is the first time."

" _No unfinished business or whatever?_ "

"Unfinished–? No, nothing of the sort that I can recall."

" _Then, I don't really know what to tell you, Luhan. I think the best option right now is just to open the message to find out its purpose, because that's really the only choice you've got. I don't think that'll hurt anyone, right?_ "

"Yeah, I guess so," Luhan replied, looking over at the name on his laptop screen again. "Thanks, hyung. Sorry if I woke Jongdae."

" _It's fine; don't worry about him. But, Lu?_ " Luhan hummed in response and Minseok hesitantly continued. " _Do you miss him?_ "

Luhan tore his gaze away from the screen and directed it upwards in thought.  _Do I miss him?_

"I," Luhan started but was at a loss of words. After a few moments he continued slowly, "I don't know, hyung. I mean, maybe? I don't – I really don't know."

" _Mmm, okay._ " Was all Minseok said. He seemed to be in thought for a while before snapping out of it and realizing that neither of them had hung up yet. " _Well, tell me about it tomorrow, yeah?_ "

"Yeah. Thank you, again, hyung."

Luhan hung up and bit his lip as he once again looked at the unopened email. Running a hand through his messy blond locks, he decided that it was time. Pulling the laptop over his lap again, he quickly moved the cursor towards the email and clicked.

_Sarang?_

With furrowed brows, Luhan clicked on the file that immediately started to download. Luhan took a sip of his now lukewarm coffee as he watched the file download. When it was done, he carefully placed his cup on the coffee table before clicking on the downloaded file. Mentally preparing himself, Luhan fullscreened the window and quietly watched.

The first part of the video was probably filmed using a video camera, but the quality was dragged down by the inexperienced hand of the person holding said camera. Luhan squinted at the screen and was only mildly surprised to see his dorm room in the screen. He could hear a faint tune in the distance that gradually grew louder as the camera neared the source. The source was apparently Luhan himself and the boy cringed at his past self's drastic hairdo. Past Luhan seemed to have just risen out of bed and was drinking from a mug with cream-colored sweater paws. At the sight of the person behind the camera, Luhan stopped his singing and beamed. " _Hey._ "

" _Good morning,_ " Was Sehun's reply and the present Luhan  **[well, this is going to be complicated so I'll refer to video-Luhan as 'younger Luhan' or something]**  watching felt a shiver down his spine. With the aid of his headphones, Sehun's voice was amplified and it felt as if he was right there, making Luhan feel a wave of warmth wash over him – the exact same feeling he always felt all those years ago.

Sehun's hand appeared as he reached over and ruffled younger Luhan's already messy bed head. Luhan watched his past self offer the mug to the camera and Sehun's hand clutched the handle after much persuading from the younger Luhan. Sehun didn't drink coffee much, but he never really refused anything from Luhan. Sehun returned the cup to an accomplished looking Luhan with a non-committed hum and the latter burst into laughter as he took his drink back.

" _What are you doing with a camera this early in the morning?_ " Younger Luhan seemed to finally notice the strangeness of the situation. The camera shook slightly as Sehun shrugged.

" _Maybe I wanted to catch beauty at its finest,_ " Younger Luhan  **[bear with me]**  shot him an unimpressed look before threatening to pour the remainder of his coffee at the younger. His cheeks and ears burned red as he muttered a ' _Shut up, loser_ ' in attempt to cover up his obvious giddiness. Sehun merely laughed before he was eventually forced to stop the video.

As the next clip started, Luhan smiled at the wave of memories that came with it.

_"Hyung, do you know what day it is today?" Sehun asked, aiming his camera at Luhan who was sprawled out on the former's bed with a book. Lowering the book to eye Sehun up and down, Luhan raised a brow at his boyfriend. The younger was dressed up for a nice walk outside, but Luhan was not aware of the occasion that had graced them._

_"Prey tell," he mused, putting his book down and paying full attention to Sehun who seemed to bask in it._

_"It's time for you to finally taste heaven!" Sehun exclaimed. Luhan choked on air at the intensity of Sehun's gaze and unceremoniously threw a pillow at the younger._

_"Yah! What the hell are you saying, Oh Sehun?"_

_"What?" Sehun pouted and rubbed the arm that caught Luhan's wrath pitifully. "You promised you'd come with me to get some bubble tea, hyung."_

_"You could've just said so," Luhan muttered sheepishly as he slipped out of bed and pulled on a pair of pants. He was already wearing one of Sehun's hoodies and just grabbed another jacket from the younger's closet. Looking back, he frowned at Sehun who was now seated on the bed, "What_ are _you doing?"_

_"Hmm?" Sehun moved his phone to his left hand and turned it around to film himself for a second before going back to continue filming Luhan. "Remember how Jongdae hyung showed us that documentary that he made for a class? I want to do one as well, and you happen to be my muse."_

_"You sure about that?" Luhan teased as he messed with his hair in front of the mirror. Sehun moved to stand behind him and aimed the camera at the mirror to capture the both of them._

_Snaking a hand around the elder's waist, Sehun hummed into his hair. "Mhm."_

_Luhan turned his head to gaze up into Sehun's eyes, the two wearing matching smiles of adoration. He leaned up the same moment Sehun leaned down and they met in a soft kiss. Giggling, Luhan pulled away and tugged at Sehun's hand. "Come on, then."_

_Hand in hand they strolled to the place that Sehun claimed to be selling the best bubble tea out there. Rolling his eyes, Luhan let the excited boy to order for the both of them and went to find a booth for the two. When he was seated, he took out Sehun's phone, which he swiped from the younger, and decided to contribute to Sehun's little documentary or whatever it was._

_"Sehun has once again found something he wants to try out," Luhan started, mischievously aiming the camera at the younger and pretending to poke his form. "I wonder how long this one lasts before he chucks it out the window." Snickering, Luhan turned the camera back to him._

_"What am I supposed to even do?" He muttered to himself. Leaning the camera against the vase of fake flowers on the table he awkwardly waved at it before covering his face with his hands. "God, people are going to think I've lost it."_

_"I thought everyone already knew that, hyung." Sehun drawled out as he slid into the booth._

_"Shut up, loser," Luhan huffed. "Seriously though, what the hell am I supposed to do as your_ muse _?"_

_"I think you just existing is pretty much doing the job, babe." Sehun shot back cheekily. Luhan sighed and let his head fall into his hands in frustration. Sehun smiled and leaned closer to Luhan, "Your hair's reflecting the color on your cheeks again, hyung."_

_"What am I going to do with you?" Luhan mumbled out pathetically before raising his head to stare into Sehun's eyes. The latter had not leaned back yet and the proximity made Luhan's heart thud in his chest and echo all the way to his ears. Sehun's eyes twinkled and as a ray of sunshine calculatedly hit them, Luhan thought his eyes looked almost like a mixture of melted caramel and chocolate._

_Just as he was about to close his eyes in anticipation of a very clear and public display of affection, Sehun pulled back and walked to the counter to collect their drinks. To spite his boyfriend, he made sure to send a cheeky wink back. Luhan, on the other hand, scoffed and leaned back in his chair in disbelief._

_By the time Sehun made it back, Luhan had his arms crossed and an obvious pout decorated his pretty features. Sehun offered him his bubble tea as a peace offering, but the other merely snatched the drink away before violently stabbing the cover with his straw. Sehun's eyebrows lifted and so did his hands in silent surrender. He quickly grabbed his phone and captured the exact moment Luhan's eyes lit up after his gulp._

_"Good?" Sehun asked. Luhan, having already gotten over his sulking, nodded enthusiastically and sent an angelic smile at the younger. He didn't offer any words as he was too busy with his drink, but his appreciation was evident in the way his eyes seemed to light up and in the little hums of approval that escaped his lips._

Luhan laughed to himself as he recalled how the two had then spent most of their time outside hunting for places that sold bubble tea in order to compare the experience. Personally, he thought that nothing compared to the first one because everything just seemed to be so much better then. In his memories, it's as if that time had that filter that just made everything look better and brighter.

The next cuts of the video didn't fail to brighten his smiles as a tidal wave of feelings hit him. They were just random cuts of the day where Sehun would somehow have a camera with him. Most of which Luhan never even knew existed.

He remembered the memory that was attached to most clips like it was yesterday and the past played itself out right in front of him. The clips seemed endless and the rollercoaster of emotions even more so. He caught himself laughing hysterically at the random antics that he and Sehun did in the past, completely forgetting the fact that it was now well past the AM and that normal people were most likely asleep.

He stifled his raucous laughter to a clip of the two sneaking out at what seemed to be the dead of the night, but not before vandalizing Junmyeon's face with some water-based markers. Sehun had wanted to go all out, but Luhan cared for his safety after the event, thank you very much. However, that didn't mean that he wasn't up for the classic whipped creamed hand.

He smiled softly as his eyes tried to keep up with a particularly messy shot. The two had opted for a lazy day, but Sehun had to finish his assignment for art class and he had convinced Luhan to model for him. They were decked out in matchy pastel sweaters that complimented the sound of the rain softly rapping against the windows. Eventually, they gave up on the idea of being able to pass the video as homework and decided to just have fun with it. Luhan could almost smell the petrichor and the warm chocolate that they'd made as nostalgia slapped him in the face for what seemed like the nth time.

He vaguely remembered experiencing another which was quite a dizzying shot of the two in what seemed to be a concert of some sort. The music was completely drowned out by the screams of the crowd and the video was focused on Luhan who was happily jamming to the song despite the pretty limited space. He had pulled Sehun to him and the other tried to multi-tasking half-assing his dance steps and filming the both of them as he had earlier claimed to wanting to catch the best parts of the show.

Somewhere after two or three more short clips of their eccentric selves (ft. their eccentric friends) clips of much more 'sober' shots came up. Luhan's eyes were practically glued to the screen as he watched that he barely felt the happiness in his smile drain out slowly. In its place, sadness took roots and stayed.

He watched clips of him waking up in weekend mornings and being presented with coffee made just the way he taught Sehun to do it; he watched as he belted out notes with his eyes never leaving the ones behind the camera; he watched as he smiled with mirth the way he never knew he had. And the longer he watched, the heavier his heart became and the more his eyes burnt. His brows furrowed and he felt his mouth tremble the slightest bit once he hit the last few minutes.

The screen showed him and Sehun kissing briefly, although some clips contained heavier action, and the last string of clips completely shattered Luhan. It was all of him muttering the words, " _I love you_ ".

Luhan's hand shot out to pause the video and he pushed the laptop off his lap before bringing his knees up to his chest. By now, he was definitely crying as he felt his heart break all over again. At the beginning, it was a good idea, for sure, but he wasn't so sure now.

Seeing and hearing himself say those words felt like holding a double-edged sword.

He knew that he was sincere all those times he ever uttered those words, but now it felt foreign –as if it was something from the distant past. Something that was somehow buried under whatever it was that he buried all the pain with. It was a new feeling to Luhan because he was never the type to look back and look at the past and really  _see_  it or  _feel_  it again.

He had always just run away.

Now that he was suddenly faced with all memories, he simply couldn't handle all the pain that came along with it. He was smart enough to know that thinking about these things would just make it harder for him, but he guessed he never really thought that it would've been a worse tactic to bury all his sadness inside him. He never had a reason to  _want_  to go back – at least not until now.

The memories of all of his time with Sehun – the memories  _of_ Sehun – everything just made him want to go back. And he was terrified.

Braving himself to finish the video so that he could curl up in his bed and fully feel like death itself was upon him, Luhan placed his laptop back on his lap. He had paused on what seemed like the twentieth frame of his younger self uttering the phrase and he couldn't help but notice the vulnerability in the eyes he stared into, and that unnerved him. And yet, he wanted to feel that kind of raw emotion all over again.

The video cut to Sehun who was steadying the camera before taking a seat on the single chair in the shot. Luhan recognized the stray decorations that hinted that the 'set' was really just a part of Sehun's dorm room. He was even more familiar with the boy on the opposite side of the screen, but the melancholic expression on his face was one that made him seem like a stranger to Luhan. Sehun's dark hair was messy and stayed that way as he ran a hand through it several times before clearing his throat.

"Hey, hyung." He started, lamely lifting a hand in greeting. He slowly put it down and licked his lips nervously, stalling for time. "I know this may seem to have come up out of the blue for you, and I'm sorry if it seems like such a random thing to just drop this on you, but I've actually been planning to do this for months now.

"I don't know if you even remember that stupid phase that I had about wanting to be a director."The boy on the screen laughed lightly and Luhan's gaze intensified when the former fixed his eyes on the camera with a soft smile on his face. 

"But, anyway," Sehun sobered up and suddenly that sense of loneliness draped over his features again and Luhan can't help but want the boy to smile instead. He bit his lip in anxiety as Sehun fidgeted and gathered his thoughts.

"I made this because ー god, this is going to sound stupid as fuck ー uh," Sehun laughed tensely and rubbed at his nape. Luhan almost laughed at the familiar habit that Sehun doesn't seem to have stopped.

"I made this because I want you to know what it was like for me. I know how you view love, hyung ー or at least how you  _used to_." Sehun added sheepishly. "I've even spoken to Minseok hyung about it before. I understand how you don't want the past to bring you down and that it means you'll fully welcome change without hesitation. But, I don't want to be just another person who was meaningful to you for a short while, Lu.

" _Fuck_ , I don't even know if a relationship of almost three years is a short while to you, but that's the longest time I've been with a person and I don't want that to amount to nothing to you.  _No matter what I do, I know that to you things will just stay the way they are._  I know you don't look back, but just this once, I'm asking you to just stop and take a breath ー just take a short break from moving forward." Sehun's eyes had been roaming restlessly, but then he focused them again and Luhan felt as if those eyes were looking right into his soul. "Aren't you tired, hyung? For a moment, just stop running."

"I want you to know that our time together was beautiful.  _You were beautiful_. You have made such an impact in my life, and I will never forget anything. I don't  _want_  to.

"But, this is not me asking you to come back to me. I'm not trying to change your mind about that. When you decided thatー" Sehun cut himself off and took a deep breath. He laughed at himself humorlessly before continuing."When you decided that we had to go our separate ways, I respected your decision. I still do. It may not have been what I wanted, maybe not even what you wanted, but I understand how you thought it was the best. You said it was so we wouldn't have to hurt, right?"

Luhan blinked back tears as Sehun's words hit home. It was all true. Luhan had broken up with Oh Sehun a few months before the older graduated college under the reason that he did not want them to take the risk of an unhealthy long distance relationship. He thought he had thought it through enough and was convinced that it was the only path their relationship could take. Of course, it came as a surprise to Sehun and even more so to their friends when the two officialized their breakup with an announcement. Minseok had never seen Luhan more distraught and watched quietly as his best friend opted to drown himself in schoolwork to numb the pain, something he seemed to be doing unconsciously. Unbeknownst to the latter, Junmyeon did not fare much better when Sehun seemed to spiral into a bout of withdrawal. Their mutual friends were greatly affected as everyone tried their best to make sure that the interactions of the two be kept to a minimal as per Minseok's instructions. The oldest knew that Sehun wouldn't take it too well if Luhan would start acting as if nothing happened after a few days time. They were never faced with that dilemma as everyone seemed to be an expert in their mission, but Minseok was almost a hundred percent sure that if they  _were_  faced with such a predicament, Luhan wouldn't ever act the way he had before.

"So why did it hurt so much?" Sehun's voice brought Luhan back to reality. The younger had been quiet for a while, as if waiting for an answer to his rhetorical question. He had bent his head away from the camera and his voice came out small and broken, effectively tugging at Luhan's heartstrings painfully. "Why did it hurt so  _fucking_  much?"

"The memories of that time was bitter, I have to admit ー and, god I just hate that part," Sehun continued in a slightly more collected tone. "But, everything else? Everything else was beautiful.

"I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear. I'm sorry if this hurts you, but  _I guess I can't help it. I tried to hide it but it seeps out,_ you know? Every little thing I do reminds me of you. There were a lot of times when I've thought about calling you or messaging you, but I know that it can't happen because  _it's already over_. And that now, all I have ー all I have are these stupid videos of you and of all the times I spent with you." Sehun's pauses and now Luhan can clearly see that they are in the same state of tears. Sehun's hugs his old video camera to his chest after retrieving it from a table behind whatever other camera he was now using to record.

"You were so beautiful," Sehun speaks through broken sobs. "In the way you looked at me, the way you smiled at me, in every  _fucking_  memory. And, that's what I want you to remember, Lu."

Sehun looks at him with glassy eyes and Luhan can't help the choked cobs that escape him. "I want you to know that  _since the beginning your heart was too beautiful for me to have._  I want you to know that I loved you so much. I want you to know that the time when  _we_ existed in the place of 'you' and 'I' will always be a precious memory I will hold dear to my heart. But, above all that, I want you to remember ー I want you to  _know_  how beautiful you are in my eyes and how happy you made me."

 _Loved. Memory. Made._ Everything was in the past.

With empty eyes and a crooked smile, Sehun leaned forward to stop the recording. "Thank you, Lu."

Luhan stared at the screen for a while longer, hot tears streaming down his cheeks. He lifted a curled fist to his mouth to stifle his cries and with his other hand clutched his chest. Soon enough, only small whimpers escaped his lips, but the pain did not cease.

Luhan never relived the past because he never wanted it to consume him. He always thought that maybe it was the memories that people miss and not the person. After all, people change all the time. It was tricky to get mixed up in the past and it was incredibly hard to break free of it. And yet, why did it feel as if his choice didn't save him from the heartache?

He then realized that maybe he had been 'there' with that one person who was somehow no match for everyone else. Maybe he'd just been too blind to see that. But he was sure, that now, he'd forever lost it.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Well, that was long. The words in italics that are said by Sehun (minus all the cursing) are part of the lyrics of either You Were Beautiful or It's Still Beautiful.  
> PLease leave a Kudos if you enjoyed~


End file.
